It's taken me a while to get to the point where I could write this, but it's got to be done.  My brain has, to some degree, rejected reality since she passed, but that reality reached up and slapped me across the face today when I had to go pick up her ashes.

A lot of you guys know Shadow's story, but not everyone.  Shadow was born on March 1st, 2013 to a mother that had been abandoned in a back yard in New Jersey and left to starve.  Shadow was a fighter from the start, needing to be resuscitated at birth from aspirating fluid.  There's some question as to whether that was enough of a hypoxic injury to cause her neuro problems, or if they were more of a developmental problem while she was still in the womb.  We just thought she was a super chill puppy until the seizures started when she was 4 months old.  We were shocked to find that she was missing approximately 40% of her brain on top of hydrocephalus, or the inability of the brain to drain the cerebrospinal fluid designed to cushion it from impact.

Even before we knew of her problems, we knew Shadow was something special.  She had a way of putting people at ease, and as we suspected later she just did not have the capacity for aggression or meanness.  She was the sweetest, happiest dog to ever walk the earth, and she made an impact on every single person she ever met.  She also, though, had a compulsion to eat anything and everything, and developed an intestinal blockage after eating some nylon rope from a toy.  The surgeon who performed the surgery said that she did great and that all of the bowel was still healthy when he removed the rope.  We thought she was doing better, but shortly after coming home took a turn for the worst.  Her bowel leaked at the repair site, and she went septic from the resulting peritonitis.  The surgery needed to help most likely would have killed her, and we made the decision to not put her through it and to let her cross the Bridge.

I have cried every single day since.  I miss waking up to Shadow cuddles early in the morning.  I miss her goofy talking and the "tackle kisses".  I miss waking up at all hours of the night to take her outside, and medicating her 8 times a day to control the seizures that we thought would take her life.  Mostly I feel a combination of being robbed and massive guilt that I could have done more to save her.  I never knew I could learn so much from a puppy, and I had no concept of grief and pain this deep.

I miss you Shadow, but I know that you're free from the Seizure Monster.  Run free, baby girl.

Wonderful Meredith, please know you and Aaron did do everything possible for your sweet girl. I felt like I knew her from all your posts and blog. Please also know that through this difficult experience you have helped countless other dog owners battling similar problems. You and Aaron are truly gifted. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.

Renee

I am so truly sorry for your loss. I knew when I clicked on this post it'd be millisconds before my eyes started tearing...and I was correct. You gave Shadow only the best in her short life, a great life very few people could have given her, always keep that in mind. The last thing she would want you to feel is guilt.

Run free Shadow

Meredith, I have read all of your posts about Shadow. She was one of the luckiest pups to ever walk this earth. You gave her more life in the little time she had then most people give to their pups that last 14 years.

You gave her this love and compassion and still had time to always lend a thoughtful, helping hand to the other members of this group.

I am so sorry for your loss and hope that time will heal your pain. And one day you will open your door to another well deserving pup that will fill your heart.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Try not to feel too guilty. I know it's easier said than done as I've been there myself. You did everything you could possibly do for her and she knew that. She knew how much you guys loved her and I'm sure right now she is watching over you until you are one day reunited. Run free, Shadow.

Meredith , I know exactly what your going through and it's the worst feeling ever. Just know you took the best possible care of her and she was brought to you for a reason. You were meant to be her special family and no one could have taken better care of her, she was one lucky girl! Guilt is a normal feeling when grieving, but know you did everything you could to save her. Actually, you did save her. She's free from the seizures and in a better place running and hanging out with my Sophie and I'm sure they are both playing right now and having the time of their lives! And when the time comes for us to meet them again, they will be at heavens gates waiting for us.

I found the best way of coping with this sort of thing is to keep as busy as possible! I've been going to the gym A LOT and it seems to help clear my mind.

Thank you for being such a great mom to shadow and for being an advocate for special needs dogs. So few people could do or would do what you did with and for her.

Meredith - you were robbed. No doubt about it - feeling guilty, please, be kind to yourself. Easy for me to say, not so easy for you, I'm sure! You did so much for that girl, truly you were here advocate! I'm glad she had you for here Mommy.

Even with spending only 2 days with her she buried a hole in my heart. She is pain free now and by your side every day with that silly grin on her face!
again sorry for the sudden loss of Shadow, the sweetest pup and the most lucky girl to have such dedicated parents like you and Aaron.
HUGS

You absolutely have NOTHING to feel guilty about, Mer. You did everything in your power to save your beautiful girl. You and Aaron were the best parents to her and she's with you everyday watching over you with TONS of love and gratitude. Hugs to you both and the girls also.