shaina&indy wrote:

I'm just trying to be happy, and he's just tearing me down every time we talk about it. That door is almost closed and he's about to lose me (and Indy) completely. Maybe later on he'll realize that he's messed up, but I wont be waiting around.

Not to throw a monkey wrench in things, but make sure you see this from both sides. If he isn't happy with an inside dog, that's ok (for him).

In the same way it isn't fair to you, for him to make you get rid of the dog, it isn't fair to him, for you to force him to live with a dog. If it genuinely makes him unhappy to have a dog in the house, maybe you need to accept that you've come to an unresolvable issue.

I'm certainly not suggesting that he is going about it the right way, but make sure that you aren't doing the same thing he is, by trying to convince him to live in a way that makes him unhappy.

Since you broke up a couple weeks ago, I'd suggest you spend at least a couple weeks not even talking. I'm not saying to ignore him, I'm saying that you need to both agree not to contact each other for a while. You're getting comfortable with him again before you've processed the break-up, and as I said before, nothing has changed. Continuing to see each other/talk after a break up only makes the breakup last longer. I've been there and done that, it's more trouble than it's worth.

Everyone gave you really great advice - I just wanted to chime in here:

Quote :

but he tried it because he wanted to make me happy. but now he feels
like that if he lets me have Indy back inside that he'll be "giving in"
and he'll always be unhappy.

Relationships are compromise. (clearly stating that by "giving in" [compromise] he'll ALWAYS be unhappy. That right there says he's not willing to compromise)

This is a HUGE red flag. This is a traditional case of a "controlling" person. You see he gave you a false sense of TRYING - making you believe that he really was trying to make it work. In reality it lures you into a false sense of security that "Wow! He really is trying and maybe it can work!" and then he drops the "Well, I can't stand indoor dogs - it's either you lose me (the 'love' of your life) or you lose the dog". (the "love" of your life he can mold over time, also without you ever realizing)

I also want to add that you said you've been through a lot of experiences in your (short) life and you're very mature for your age. That's great! But it also isn't always a great thing and (controlling) people can prey on the fact that you've been through so many experiences (I'm assuming some of them have been pretty bad since most people only drop that line when they've been through some hard times). Just some things to think about.

Like everyone has said - anyone who asks you to give up something (Indy) you love so incredibly much and has such a huge impact in your life is not worth your time at all - Once you give in just one time to someone like this - the cycle only gets worse. And it's hard to see that someone you "love" can be like this - but "love is blind" as it were.

All I will add is that everything happens for a reason. You'd serve yourself best by figuring out exactly WHY you broke up and what purpose it's serving in your life. Is it a reality check to the both of you? Is it an issue that is unresolvable or likely not to change?

Indy aside, you're not speaking about him or his actions in a way that sounds healthy from the outside. You're using words like "controlled" and "tearing you down "...these aren't words that are used when you're talking about someone who loves you most of all. And his "I tried, but I'm unhappy and now I feel like I'm giving in." That's a very tit-for-tat attitude. That a) doesn't come from a mature person and b) is not how you resolve a dispute.

Ask yourself why you want to get back with him? Why do you feel he's "the one" for you? The answer to that and the why of breaking up, might point you to something you don't want to hear, but that answer is what you need to consider above all else.

It sounds like the situation with Indy just might be the indicator that you needed to realize that he's not everything you always believed he was. Take a step back and look at the situation. If his behavior now is any indicator of how he normally reacts to problems, you might have your answer right there.

^ Perfect advise.

I'd ask him to give up something near and dear to himself, see how that goes over.

When I finally realized my last relationship really wasn't going a good direction I turned things around on him and asked him to do things equivalent to what he was asking of me. When he freaked out and made a huge fight about it... I knew it was time to leave. He wasn't asking those things of me because he truly needed them to be done or whatever... he did it because he could.

Koda wrote:

All I will add is that everything happens for a reason. You'd serve yourself best by figuring out exactly WHY you broke up and what purpose it's serving in your life. Is it a reality check to the both of you? Is it an issue that is unresolvable or likely not to change?

Indy aside, you're not speaking about him or his actions in a way that sounds healthy from the outside. You're using words like "controlled" and "tearing you down "...these aren't words that are used when you're talking about someone who loves you most of all. And his "I tried, but I'm unhappy and now I feel like I'm giving in." That's a very tit-for-tat attitude. That a) doesn't come from a mature person and b) is not how you resolve a dispute.

Ask yourself why you want to get back with him? Why do you feel he's "the one" for you? The answer to that and the why of breaking up, might point you to something you don't want to hear, but that answer is what you need to consider above all else.

It sounds like the situation with Indy just might be the indicator that you needed to realize that he's not everything you always believed he was. Take a step back and look at the situation. If his behavior now is any indicator of how he normally reacts to problems, you might have your answer right there.

Have you ever considered becoming a counselor or a life coach?
Well said, and exceptional advise!

Aww, you guys are so sweet!

Actually, Claudia... I always did think I went into the wrong profession, lol. BUT realizing that is one reason I turned to real estate (as weird as that sounds). I tried to find a job as an Academic Advisor when I realized my last job was headed nowhere. I never got any call-backs though (they didn't feel I had enough experience in the field). When I was given an offer to help build this real estate company and become an agent, I thought about it and real estate IS advising, education, as well as law, finance, and economics. I really love what I do now-- it satisfies my somewhat ADD personality, eclectic interests, and desire to guide and coach people Here's hoping it works out for me!

You've been given such great advice that I can't think of anything to add.
But, I will tell you that you are in my prayers. Do what's best for you!

libbybell74 wrote:
You will resent him for making you get rid of Indy and it will destroy the two of you.


And you will resent yourself for it.

A bit of shameful history on my part. Fifteen plus years ago I got in a relationship after my divorce. I still had the exes dog (Jessie) which I knew she had no intention of coming to retrieve so now it was MY dog which I loved so much. Well if I loved that dog so much why did I give him up for my sig other who had cats? Cause I thought I was in love! So fortunately my best friend took him for me and I had free access to him. But that didn't cure the problem, I resented the fact that I gave up someone that probably kept me alive back in those dark and sad days of the divorce/split. That resentment simmered in me for the remainder of our relationship, for my being controlled by someone who didn't have the right.

Jessie, died 6/26/1998, and I still feel shame for my actions. I'll die with my dogs before I ever consider deserting them again.

Like you mentioned earlier that Indy was the light in your darkness, don't let that light go out.

Koda wrote:

All I will add is that everything happens for a reason. You'd serve yourself best by figuring out exactly WHY you broke up and what purpose it's serving in your life. Is it a reality check to the both of you? Is it an issue that is unresolvable or likely not to change?

Indy aside, you're not speaking about him or his actions in a way that sounds healthy from the outside. You're using words like "controlled" and "tearing you down "...these aren't words that are used when you're talking about someone who loves you most of all. And his "I tried, but I'm unhappy and now I feel like I'm giving in." That's a very tit-for-tat attitude. That a) doesn't come from a mature person and b) is not how you resolve a dispute.

Ask yourself why you want to get back with him? Why do you feel he's "the one" for you? The answer to that and the why of breaking up, might point you to something you don't want to hear, but that answer is what you need to consider above all else.

It sounds like the situation with Indy just might be the indicator that you needed to realize that he's not everything you always believed he was. Take a step back and look at the situation. If his behavior now is any indicator of how he normally reacts to problems, you might have your answer right there.

Spoken like a true Libra!!! Awesome advice Tori!

*tears* I love this community, you all are so tight-knit and supportive it's awe-inspiring! Since the others have so much life experience tied into their advice (TOTALLY INVALUABLE), I'll speak from a different approach.

I'm also 20 years old & I've had very interesting relationship experiences within my short time compared to the others. I've purposely thrown myself into unfavorable situations to learn from them, and listened/watched intently when I saw my peers going through things with their significant others. Naturally, I've learned a lot of things I do and do not want, or can and cannot tolerate in a potential match.

I've only ever experienced true love/love once, and it was one sided; not infatuation and certainly not obsession. That individual claimed she was very mature and due to inexperience in identifying complexes, I believed her to be as well. She was younger than me by a year, and it made all the difference in her maturity. Long story short, she didn't even have a clue as to what it means to be in love (the responsibilities thereof, compromises, etc.) and deal with the spontaneous appearance of passion (expected every day, every convo, every moment spent together to be exhilarating ). To no surprise we ended up breaking up at a horrible time for me (just started dual enrollment my senior HS year-all college courses), but at that time I was convinced she was the one. What I felt for her was real: self-sacrifice to see her succeed or taken care of emotionally, mentally & physically, utmost respect, supportive & nurturing when needed, logical guide in uncertain times, & respectful of her personal space and time. Sadly, she couldn't do the same for me, and I felt as though the Bible had delivered its own personal Apocalypse in my life. I couldn't imagine being without her-I was satisfied with the possibility of her sharing my last name and the joys that comes with, but that never happened.

I say all that to say this: It's been 2 years since we've broken up, and I've made SO much personal growth in my own life that let me see that I could not have handled such a thing at that time like I thought I could. In fact, we weren't nearly as compatible as I believed us to be due to our vastly different walks of life. As mature as I proclaimed myself to be then, it had NOTHING to do with my relationship ending. Here I am today, 20 years old, a junior in college, my own apartment and a 40+lb fur kid I dreamed of as a child-life went on just fine for me. In fact, as I've grown as a person, so has the amount of people interested in me that have noticed. Should you two not get back together, you have an expected 60-70+ years of life to stumble onto something greater. It is NOT impossible-I promise you that. You'll be fine =] I'll pray for the both of you, and Indy too

Here4thePics wrote:

libbybell74 wrote:
You will resent him for making you get rid of Indy and it will destroy the two of you.


And you will resent yourself for it.

A bit of shameful history on my part. Fifteen plus years ago I got in a relationship after my divorce. I still had the exes dog (Jessie) which I knew she had no intention of coming to retrieve so now it was MY dog which I loved so much. Well if I loved that dog so much why did I give him up for my sig other who had cats? Cause I thought I was in love! So fortunately my best friend took him for me and I had free access to him. But that didn't cure the problem, I resented the fact that I gave up someone that probably kept me alive back in those dark and sad days of the divorce/split. That resentment simmered in me for the remainder of our relationship, for my being controlled by someone who didn't have the right.

Jessie, died 6/26/1998, and I still feel shame for my actions. I'll die with my dogs before I ever consider deserting them again.

Like you mentioned earlier that Indy was the light in your darkness, don't let that light go out.

Aw, Len, that's a sad story, and one I'm familiar with too. So sorry you went through that.

When my mom divorced my Dad, she had to leave our white German Shepard with him because she couldn't bring him to our new house. About a month later, he ran away (probably looking for us) and we never found him again. It haunts my mother every single day of her life. There still isn't a time I can bring it up that it doesn't make her burst into tears. And my mother NEVER cries.

I vowed I wouldn't never end up like that, and wouldn't you know..I did. Love makes us do very funny things, and usually things we think are right at the time because we are in love! But what we don't see...is that the person we love, isn't loving us the right way in return! My ex made me keep my cat outside after we got married...and one day the cat never came back. I tell you, I STILL look for him around town. Makes me feel like such a terrible person, and I feel so sad that I was so manipulated.

Poor Ty. When I met him, I was like, "Listen. I have two little boys, I'm a bit of a wild woman, I'm hard to handle, I'm doing my thing. I'm a packaged deal!!" I haven't given that guy a break yet. LOL. But wouldn't you know...guess who is still around???? He is! Because I put my foot down and said I wasn't taking less than the best this time!

That's the key, love! Finding what's best for you!!

You guys are simply very great people. I really appreciate every thing you guys have said and taken the time to say to me about this from the bottom of my heart. It's been a crazy few weeks and I haven't been able to get on this site as much as I used to (multiple times a day...). But you guys are simply amazing. The reason we broke up was simply down to the fact that we didn't really know how to communicate to each other about things that bothered us. We'd hold it in thinking things like "I don't want to bother him/her with that" or "it's okay, i'll just look past it and forgive him/her for it" and it never worked. I've told him that IF we were to work things out, we really need to talk to each other about things that get under our skin and just don't over look things, no matter how small they seem to be. And keep in mind that one thing may not be a big deal to either one of us, but it could be a pretty big deal to the other and that's why i'm/he's upset. We actually came to a compromise. He told me today that he would allow Indy inside on one condition.....that I sell my bike. I feel like this isn't a compromise at all and that he's still asking me to "get rid" of something that I like. Granted, yes I know I also am asking a lot from him to let Indy come home, but I still feel like he's trying to control me by making me sell something I worked for and something that actually makes life a little easier for me. Yes I know it's just a motorcycle, but it makes the commute to work every day easier and helps a lot financially with gas and maintenance. AND he has had multiple bikes of his own! He just sold his bike a few days ago to pay off his car, but that was his choice at his leisure. He wasn't forced nor did he have to do it. I feel like that if he really loves me for me and really wants to spend the rest of his life with me then he needs to accept me for who I am and that Indy and my dogs that I will have in the future are part of me and are not going anywhere without me.

We're not jumping back into things right away either. We still have a lot of things to figure out as two people and as individuals. We also have a lot more to talk about if this relationship is going to work and will not have a repeat occurrence. We're taking things really slow and just talking first. He told me he's "scared he'll hurt me again" and that he "doesn't want us to break up again" and "start our future together" so I know that he cares enough that he's worried and scared himself....but is it enough?? If he's able to let Indy come back inside the house, something he is "strictly against" and that he "never has and never will want an inside dog AT ALL!" and that he "can't live with an inside dog" then why is he able to do so if I sell my bike? It's like he wants to prove to himself and me that he can make me do these things if I don't fight back...

arooroomom wrote:

I'd ask him to give up something near and dear to himself, see how that goes over.

When I finally realized my last relationship really wasn't going a good direction I turned things around on him and asked him to do things equivalent to what he was asking of me. When he freaked out and made a huge fight about it... I knew it was time to leave. He wasn't asking those things of me because he truly needed them to be done or whatever... he did it because he could.

That's exactly how I feel about him asking me to either get rid of Indy or my bike. It's not like he's paying for either or taking care of either. Yes, he does help if I ask him. But I do a lot for him too.

Four words: "See you later, Alligator"!

This makes no sense!

A few people commenting have said something like, "If my significant other ever asks me to choose between him and something else I love, I would kiss him goodbye." I have been happily married for over 21 years, and I KNOW that I would NEVER make this statement... simply because my husband would NEVER put me in that predicament where I would have to make that choice! As others have also said, it would be healthy for him to ask you to give up something if that "something" is hurting you, like if you were drinking excessively or accruing a huge debt...

To me this just screams, "I want to controll you and if I can't take away your dog, I will take something else." Why the bike? With Indy, I see only selfish reasons for wanting him out of the house. But, really, what's a bike - that you maintain - hurting him?

He is trying to control you in every way possible! I too ride motorcycles and if he knew you rode before you two got together, then he should also accept that is apart of you! Even if the bike didn't help you get to work and was just a hobby for you, he STIILL should NOT ask you to give it up! He's not you're father ... he's suppose to be someone that loves and supports you, not someone that tells you what to do! You're an adult and can make you're own decision without his two cents. He seriously sound's like he needs to grow up and have some "alone time" to figure himself out and reflect on the way he's treating you, because it's seriously not good. You seem like a sweet person and deserve so much better than him. This situation isn't going to get any better, if anything it's going to get worse. If I were you, I would stay right where I am, do my own thing, date around and see what else is out there, before going back to a previous mistake.

I don't have time to type out my usual long responses, but I just wanted to say one thing.

I find it rather ironic that he claims that he's "afraid he's going to hurt you again" and yet... he wants to start the relationship out from the start by hurting you.

"I want to start our life together" "I don't want to hurt you" Those are all empty words from my perspective. Actions speak louder than words.

Shaina,

I think everyone here has give you very good advice. I don't have much to add.

The dog and the bike are all part of you they make you what you are so he is trying to make you what he wants.

The reason why you broke up in the first place is about communication. That's something that can be worked on. In fact, me and hubby speak different languages and we mis-communicate often but we're working at it. We work hard at our relationship/marriage.

Maybe I missed it, but why could he not live with an inside dog before? And now the question I would ask is, 'Why do you want me to get rid of my motorcycle?' and why is it now that he can live with an inside dog if the motorcycle is gone?

SabakaMom wrote:

This makes no sense!........To me this just screams, "I want to controll you and if I can't take away your dog, I will take something else." Why the bike? With Indy, I see only selfish reasons for wanting him out of the house. But, really, what's a bike - that you maintain - hurting him?

Makes no sense to me either....and that's what I'm hearing too.

Not wanting a dog in the house, I could understand, if he really felt strongly about it, but with the new development, it sounds like a control move.

As I said before, I'd cut all communication for a couple weeks, and come back fresh, if you want to come back at all. You haven't gotten past the point where you were together yet, to be able to really see what else is out there.

I think you kow what's going on. It's not about Indy or the bike or anything. He's trying to control this situation and manipulate you. Please, look past your emotions and think this through as clearly as possible. He's using your "love for each other" as leverage. If he hates inside dogs so much why does that now seem OK as long as the bike is gone? Whatdo lose have in common? They are things you love and enjoy. While, yes, he may not love dogs in the house but if his next stipulation for you to come home and keep Indy is for you to get rid of something else you love and enjoy... That is a major red flag.

My advice is to knock this all off the table and just be friends. Stop talking about it. Be just friends and work on communication that way. But also realize that this may not be the one for you. You can't change people. If I've learned anything, it's that. You can't change people and you shouldn't change for other people. You have to love each other for who you are and what you are. If those things clash, it's not meant to be.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but seriously he's being an a$$whole! What in the world would he gain from you selling your bike? How does the bike being gone make it OK for Indy to be in the house all of a sudden? He's being very immature and controlling! Those 2 are not a good combination.

I know that you love him, but like Kristina said, you need to look outside of your emotions for a while and realize he's wrong! It's hard, I know

I'm trying to understand this as well as to why it's now okay that Indy is inside if my bike is gone. He doesn't want me to have one because he's worried I'll get hurt because he knows how dangerous they are as do I. But he also knows that I've wanted one for a while and now that I finally have one, he's trying to blackmail me into selling it so he can be happy. We haven't really talked since yesterday. I'm not making any effort to try to talk to him right now because I know we'll just fight again if I bring up the bike. I'm starting to realize that yeah, it's probably not best for Indy AND myself if we keep at it and we both end up being hurt. I know Indy misses his "dad" but Adam keeps telling me that he's doing this to "help" me and that it's just "tough love" haha! NOT!

Since him pointing out that he can live with Indy inside as long as I get rid of my bike has definitely opened my eyes as to what he's trying to do. He may not see it my way and think of the things you guys are telling me, but that's definitely how it seems to be. And who knows, he may know what he's doing and trying to do it on purpose.

I don't like it, how can someone go from "No, indy must go" to "Indy can stay IF-" I have read alot of the stuff here and agree with all of suggestions. I would think you could find someone that likes you for who you are taking the good with the bad. I have a bike also, and a husky (foster). They are both staying, that is until Cali finds a home she likes. Eventually I will get a place to where I can have a husky long term. Always remember what caused the break up last...must have been something pretty big to cause it.

Good luck with which ever way you go.